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Inner Outings.....

28/8/2013

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I've not blogged for a while, twenty-three day to be exact; in fact I have struggled with any writing at all during this period of time. My writing and I have been wrestling, and it's been a deep wrestle in the mud I can tell you!

All writers experience 'blocks' from time to time, and the proportions of this one felt like Ben Nevis at times. But I have broken through I'm happy to say, by working on myself and healing parts of me that needed my undivided attention. Writing is a way of me parenting myself, filling up that well that can so easily be emptied by the demands of life; carving out time for me because it's important for me to do that. Space to be the creative person that I am, express myself freely, bringing the inner to the outer.

Days when I have written prolifically, I feel great, positive, energised and life seem to flow in way that is easier. I journal early in the morning, sometimes I use my journalling as a dumping ground for stuff that I need to let go of; thoughts that needs to be examined, feelings that deserve exploration. Somehow seeing it all on the page helps me to make connections and realisations that don't come to me at any other time. Other times, I use my journal to do specific writers exercises; the results always surprise me. I start by thinking about what I will write, but then as if by magic, when juicy pen meets thirsty paper, what flows from my mind comes out completely different! And I do this in complete silence. No radio - no that in itself was a challenge to start with. But in the sweet embrace of silence my pen can flow with uncluttered thoughts and images, my imagination soaring through the clouds to the clear blue sky above. And like other writers, I draw on my own history as a basis for my writing. 

"If we survive childhood we have enough material to last a lifetime. (Flannery O'Connor, 2007)

"Some of my worst wounds/ have healed into poems/ A few well placed stabs in the back / have released a singing/ trapped between my shoulders" (Lorna Goodison, Jamaican poet, 2001)

Food for thought, I'm sure you'll agree.

Sometimes when my writing flows particularly well, I am aware that I am channelling from my spirit guides and angels, much like when I am giving readings to clients. I feel their presence, sometimes I feel a hand upon my head, images appear in my third eye and my hand can't write fast enough as it flows through my pen. For I know that much of my writing is medicine for the soul, my own and in time it will be for others, when I eventually get published.

Even though I am writing fiction, I draw on the richness of my life, that tapestry of all the experiences that life has strewn in my path. Some are like beautiful pieces of embroidery; others like frayed and tatty prayer flags blowing in the breeze. But they are all mine, they have cut and faceted the diamond of my soul until it shines and radiates in the sunlight.

And shine I will, and so can you.

Many Blessings x
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Feeling Impossible

5/8/2013

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I came back from the last retreat feeling wonderful, and held onto those great feelings for a good week or so. I returned from the writers retreat completely fired up and have done some writing since; but not as much as I'd planned to or wanted to.

Today, life is feeling impossible. Further difficulties with my demented mother are succeeding in 'getting in the way' of so much; I'm finding it hard to access that deep and creative part of myself, which I resent.

Mum has always been a difficult woman, never one to compromise, appreciate the rights, needs or feelings of others and has always displayed a certain amount of paranoia. With the advancing dementia, for which they medics still can't establish a cause; these negative personality traits are increasing, and increasing greatly.

Today, life is feeling impossible and I really don't know what to do. Her behaviour is becoming more and more difficult, so I have emailed the support worker who's been allocated to me from the Alzheimer's society, requesting another meeting to see if she can advise myself and my brother. I don't know if she can come up with any ideas, for both my brother and myself it's feeling as though we really can't see the wood for the trees. The trouble is, her behaviour and her refusal to be reasonable is affecting her immediate neighbours. They have always been so kind to her and have always watched out for her since the sad passing of my stepfather 5.5 years ago, who took such great care of her. It's just not right, especially as they have a seriously ill four year old to care for, my brother and I feel completely stuck as to how to resolve this situation without it advancing to a point where there is ill feeling and a falling out.

We are certain that the dementia is progressing, her memory is much worse again and her thinking abilities are virtually not there at all. And as for her judgement............

She is being trialed with a drug called 'Aracept' which may slow down the progress of this serious illness, but we won't know if it's working for a few months, when she's assessed by the psychiatrist again.

Dementia is such a cruel illness, and today's overwhelming feeling is that we'll be stuck battling to manage this for years to come. But the more rational side of myself also knows that it can't and won't go on indefinitely, as it will contribute to her death. It is becoming more and clear that there is a finite time limit on how much longer she'll be able to remain in her own home, then more painful decisions will have to be made.

So for now, I will try to focus my attention on the lessons I am learning from being in this situation; for that will help to keep me sane.
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    Self employed Angel Card Reader, professional writer, previously worked as Angelic healer and stress consultant, former local government officer. Lived in Witney, West Oxfordshire for 30+ years, 3 grown up children, 4 grandchildren. On my spiritual path and at times it's hard but always worth it!

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