I write in order to connect with the deeper parts of me that otherwise might remain hidden from view; even from myself. It is a powerful yet gentle way in which I give myself the precious gift of time to truly listen to me. The voice that reveals itself in the special space of silence and solitude that I award myself on a regular basis. My heart and soul rejoices when I do this, weeps when I do not. Sometimes it is for release and healing, other times, for dissection and exploration.

I connect with memories, thoughts, feelings and emotions, allowing myself to unite with each and every one as they arise from the depths of the well, which is me.

When I write in my journals, I can immerse myself in the fathomless depths of the pages that open up before me. A landscape that is waiting to be painted, but pens and words are my brushes and pictures. I began with a blank book, now I am actively filling that tome with my voice. It liberates me as no one else will see my journals; I write for my own eyes only so I have the freedom and gift to be completely honest.

Then I also write because I want to be published. And in doing so, I will leave a part of my heart and soul here on the earth plain, for the rest of the world to engage with. I will achieve immortality through my words and musings, my many writing voices that have evolved, spiralling sentences that weave in and out of the many pages. Writing liberates and validates me.

It has allowed me to safely analyse and work with my shadow side and give her expression. I sometimes release my ‘inner bitch’ and she enunciates that which dare not speak its name in real life. My pen transmutes into a rapier sword, cutting into the heart of the villain, releasing the protagonist from her shackles.

But not all of my writing is like this. Some of my short stories are ‘medicine stories’, sacred offerings to others on the altar of life’s tumultuous journey through the landscape of the soul. They become a balm for the soul; both my soul and I hope for other souls too.

They offer hope; the hope that others too can survive life events that threaten to overwhelm the individual and leave them with a detailed map of how to negotiate their way through the labyrinth, avoiding the Minotaur that lurks at the dark and murky centre.  A signpost that can and will direct the wandering seeker towards the promised land of inner strength and deep knowing that they too, can survive. And will survive. The sun will shine again and the sky will be blue and cloudless, if we just give ourselves the gift of time to stop and be who we truly are.

Some stories are a celebration of rites of passage, especially the latter rites of passage that takes us women into the crone phase of our lives. It is not something to be feared, even in a western society that values youth, appearance and materialism above experience and wisdom.

My writing says ‘Be who you are and glorify that. For you are unique and show yourself to the world, unashamedly.’  Celebrate your power and uniqueness, be the Mad Woman who dances on the moors, and join me in my flowing skirts and dance!

This is a piece that I was invited to write as a 'guest blog', and will be published shortly.

On a Friday morning, I am usually attending the CBT for Carers group, which is especially for carers of dementia patients. We've learned a huge amount about dementia, how the world appears and feels for the sufferer and how to take better care of ourselves; for caring is a relentless task. And very often, a thankless one.

I've not blogged for a while, twenty-three day to be exact; in fact I have struggled with any writing at all during this period of time. My writing and I have been wrestling, and it's been a deep wrestle in the mud I can tell you!

All writers experience 'blocks' from time to time, and the proportions of this one felt like Ben Nevis at times. But I have broken through I'm happy to say, by working on myself and healing parts of me that needed my undivided attention. Writing is a way of me parenting myself, filling up that well that can so easily be emptied by the demands of life; carving out time for me because it's important for me to do that. Space to be the creative person that I am, express myself freely, bringing the inner to the outer.

Days when I have written prolifically, I feel great, positive, energised and life seem to flow in way that is easier. I journal early in the morning, sometimes I use my journalling as a dumping ground for stuff that I need to let go of; thoughts that needs to be examined, feelings that deserve exploration. Somehow seeing it all on the page helps me to make connections and realisations that don't come to me at any other time. Other times, I use my journal to do specific writers exercises; the results always surprise me. I start by thinking about what I will write, but then as if by magic, when juicy pen meets thirsty paper, what flows from my mind comes out completely different! And I do this in complete silence. No radio - no that in itself was a challenge to start with. But in the sweet embrace of silence my pen can flow with uncluttered thoughts and images, my imagination soaring through the clouds to the clear blue sky above. And like other writers, I draw on my own history as a basis for my writing. 

"If we survive childhood we have enough material to last a lifetime. (Flannery O'Connor, 2007)

"Some of my worst wounds/ have healed into poems/ A few well placed stabs in the back / have released a singing/ trapped between my shoulders" (Lorna Goodison, Jamaican poet, 2001)

Food for thought, I'm sure you'll agree.

Sometimes when my writing flows particularly well, I am aware that I am channelling from my spirit guides and angels, much like when I am giving readings to clients. I feel their presence, sometimes I feel a hand upon my head, images appear in my third eye and my hand can't write fast enough as it flows through my pen. For I know that much of my writing is medicine for the soul, my own and in time it will be for others, when I eventually get published.

Even though I am writing fiction, I draw on the richness of my life, that tapestry of all the experiences that life has strewn in my path. Some are like beautiful pieces of embroidery; others like frayed and tatty prayer flags blowing in the breeze. But they are all mine, they have cut and faceted the diamond of my soul until it shines and radiates in the sunlight.

And shine I will, and so can you.

Many Blessings x

I came back from the last retreat feeling wonderful, and held onto those great feelings for a good week or so. I returned from the writers retreat completely fired up and have done some writing since; but not as much as I'd planned to or wanted to.

I have just returned from another retreat in Glastonbury, but this time it was a women's retreat, celebrating and connecting with the Goddess energies. We were 11 goddessess staying the the beautiful little St Michael Retreat House, in the Chalice Well Gardens. A peaceful and beautiful space with the most wonderful and powerful energies. It was a joy to stay there.

It was organised by my dear friend Diana, whom I met on last year's writers retreat, who is exploring her feminine energy after coming out of a long yet loveless marriage; she is in an interesting transition phase of her own journey, as were we all are, especially those of us present at the retreat.

The house looked small from the outside, yet when we entered it's Tardis-like space, it was a sizeable house, full of beautiful antique furniture, comfortable beds and sofas, a huge kitchen and the biggest dining room table I think I've ever seen. We each took it in turn, in pairs to prepare and serve the meals; which we then shared around this huge table. It was a joyful experience.

The retreat houses are vegetarian, plus the majority of the women were all excluding a variety of foods from the diets for health reasons, so cooking was an interesting and challenging experience - yet all the meals were healthful, delicious and a feast for the eyes, soul and stomachs!

We took part in 'circles' in the meeting room adjoining our retreat house, the door into this space was through the dining room. It was a space filled with lovely cushions to sit and recline on, and we spent many hours in there taking part in a variety of activities.

We participated in Goddess ceremonies around the Chalice Well head, late one night by candle light. It was such a peaceful and profound experience, the gentle candle light with it's soft aura and glow, silence apart from a few women quietly chanting and singing; it felt so sacred.

We performed a wonderful ceremony at the healing waters pool very early one morning, before the gardens opened to the public, followed by Yoga on the grass under the sacred hawthorne trees, barefoot and connecting fully with Mother Earth.

Several women wept openly for much of the weekend, as they healed and released past stuff that came up for them. But with a group of such supportive and loving women, everyone received support and the nurturing they so needed and deserved.

It felt as though we were living in a parallel universe, completely separate from the rest of the world, cocooned in a womb-like environment which was so safe. It was an amazing time!

On the Saturday, Su and I went to the local supermarket to purchase ingredients for the meal we were due to cook Sunday evening. It felt so alien to be in there and we couldn't wait to leave! We then went into the town and visited the rather large and very impressive health food store, which felt totally comfortable and not in the least bit alien. 

One special goddess, Amber, a working shaman, did a group shamanic healing for us, which was a wonderful experience. She used her drumming, rattling and her voice. I'm not sure how long it lasted for, as well all went very deep during this session, which was very profound; we are all grateful to her for this offering. At times it felt like the drumming was coming from a different place in the room to her voice - which of course, wasn't possible! I felt all sorts of things going on in my chakras, but also experienced some 'releasing' in a very physical way. I overheard a number of the women alluding to childhood pain and emotional wounds, so I was asked by Diana to open one evening circle by reading and sharing a short story that I'd written the previous weekend, about healing childhood traumas.

Being back in the 'real world' is feeling quite a challenge, I am very tired and lacking in motivation to unpack my case; but it will all get done in time; I am , after all, processing lots of 'stuff', as we all are. This too shall pass. 

The Little St. Michael Retreat House

This years sacred silence on retreat was a very different experience. Friday night, in total silence, I sat in the grounds of the beautiful Abbey House and wrote. I had planned to stay in touch with my shadow side and write about it, but nothing came up, the anger seemed to have melted away; my dark tale 'The Woman in the red shoes' seemed to have done it's job; I had found a new writing voice that enabled me to express my anger in a creative way. So I wrote page after page about not knowing what to write about!

Then I remembered, that I had a picture on my phone of an image that had attracted me earlier in the day. A lovely shot of a mother and daughter sitting in a meadow, held in a tender embrace. So I wrote about that!

I just sat there in the ground with the gently fading light, thoroughly enjoying the silence, the warmth, the bees buzzing and the majestic trees. This tale is very much a 'medicine' story, but also has a twist at the end. I'd always wanted to be able to write stories with a twist and had no idea how to craft them; but this one just flowed with ease once my juicy pen met the thirsty paper.

Saturday morning, the others rose at 4am in order to take a medicine walk up the Tor, meditate and write up there. I couldn't go with them as I can no longer climb the Tor sadly, so I took my own medicine walk in the grounds. Jackee had provided us with instructions as to how to do our medicine walks, and it was an amazing experience.

In total silence and solitude, I slowly and gently asked Mother Nature 'how can my writing help myself and other to heal?'

I visited the bee hives and watched the sleepy bees emerging from the hives to begin their days work, I noticed that each area of the grounds had it's own aroma, which was different at different times of day. I felt that different trees had a different energy - some were definitely a male energy; others had a distinctly female energy. I left an offering with a female oak that I'd connected with the day before, then I found the badger set, belonging to brother badger who'd shown himself to us the night before. I'd love to think that his medicine of courage resides in this special place.

This years silence was so different; it felt comfortable, safe, like a soft furry blanket wrapping itself around me and left me with a deep feeling of bliss and joy. I could easily have remained within it forever.

In that space, it felt as though I was residing in a parallel world, separate from the rest of the world with it's constant noise and business; as though I was in another dimension. And I wasn't sure that I wanted to return! To be in a space where I could reconnect with my self, my writing self was valuable and wonderful; I wrote so much. I found a number of different writing voices that I didn't know I had; an anthology of short medicine stories has begun!

And the answer to my medicine walk question? 'Your writing is medicine for the soul.'

Blessed be

.I'm staying at The Abbey House in Glastonbury, a truly beautiful retreat House with a wonderful energy. The house is huge, the grounds rambling with lovely hidden spaces and walkways to explore; majestic trees everywhere.

Last night, quite late, the group were sitting in the garden under some trees setting our values and intentions for the weekend. Jackee saw a badger running across the lawn we entered into a discussion about the medicine and symbolism of brother badger.  Jackee explained that badger has the medicine of courage, from the French ceour age, meaning of the heart. This was especially pertinent, as the group member who'd been speaking her intention had expressed  the need to be more courageous in her writing.

We went on to talk about badger being both black and white, representing duality ; both the light and dark aspects of ourselves.

This really got me thinking, I've been aware for a few days that I have anger rising in me' I know where it belongs, who it really belongs with, but am very uncomfortable with it.

I spoke to Jackee privately, I guess I was afraid that my anger could come out badly and spoil the weekend for the others. Jackee reminded me of the importance of writing my morning pages, a way of dumping the feelings so that they don't get in the way of my creativity. She also reminded me that anger can be a positive force for change and transformation.

Once in bed I reflected more on this and realized that I've always feared anger and seen it as very destructive. Hence the block.

This morning very interestingly enough, we talked again about the shadow side of our natures, she shared some pertinent quotes with us, then got us engaged in writing, using pictures as a prompt.

I took my selected pictures, a beanbag and my writing materials into the garden, all the time ideas for this piece forming in my head.

When I put my pen to the paper, what flowed was something quite different, and the ending was certainly very different to anything I've written before. To me, the ending is dark, revealing the shadow side, yet I felt quite okay with it quite at peace in fact.

I've since been writing more, reflecting on what it means for me to be in touch with this shadow side of myself, to be expressing some very deep and primal feelings, that I'd previously feared; feared because I was afraid they'd overwhelm me, consume me alive like some monster from the deep.

But by revisiting those dark places, I am bringing them into the light and embracing them. I'm giving it a voice that it didn't have before, and in doing so, am releasing in a safe and creative way that won't harm anyone.

For when we revisit the darkness of the past, we reclaim the power that we left there.

Maybe I'll pen more short stories in time, and publish them as a collection. So continues my healing journey.

And the title of this short story? 'The woman in the red shoes'.

Tomorrow I'm heading to Glastonbury for a four day writers retreat; led by Jackee Holder whose retreat I went on last year when I finally gave birth to the book I'm writing.

I've been using crystals on a personal basis for more years than I care to remember, and have been stocking crystals for around 4 years now. in fact, I am the only stockist of crystals in West Oxfordshire! I just love them!

I have crystals in every room of my flat, I love their energy and of course, they all have a different purpose in my life. I like to use them for healing and they are useful in helping you to connect with the angels and Archangels, especially if you are new to joining your energy with that of the angels in meditation.

By far one of the most commonly known and popular crystals is Clear Quartz. It has wonderful properties but can also be used to enhance and amplify the energy of any other crystals that you are using. It is reputed to be a healer of negativity, so if you are feeling negative wear one or carry one with you, or sleep with it under your pillow. If you work in a negative, stressy environment, have some discreetly on your desk to help you throughout the working day. It is also a very good crystal to use when meditating.

Use the Clear Quartz to help you align your energies with Archangel Raziel, whose name means 'Secret of God' because he works so closely with Source (Creator) that he knows all of the secrets of the Universe and how it operates. He can help you to understand esoteric material, and open you up to higher levels of psychic abilities; increasing your ability to see, hear, know and feel Divine Guidance. Archangel Raziel can also help you with your manifestation.

Archangel Raziel also helps you to work with sacred geometry, so if you have invoked him you may start to notice geometric signs and symbols in your physical and psychic vision. He is an alchemist within the realms of the Archangels and will help you to understand ideas that would defy normal logic. Call on him to help you to turn your ideas into 'gold'!

Archangel Raziel's aura contains all the colours of the rainbow, and his energy aligns with clear quartz crystals. Working with, holding or wearing clear quartz will magnify your clairvoyance (ensure you practice your protection rituals before opening up) and help you to feel closer to him. 

Please take a look at my Crystals page to learn more, and I'll blog more about crystals in the future.

Please remember to cleanse and charge your crystals when new, and cleanse then on a regular basis when used. If you'd like more information on how to do this, please do contact me.

Many blessings

It's been a challenging week regarding my mother who has dementia, I've detected a further deterioration recently. Her short term memory is really poor now, her judgement is going rapidly and I have concerns about her personal care. My brother and I are grieving for the person before us, who looks like our mother, but is a shadow of her former self. Even her personality has changed.

The roles have reversed - we are having to parent her and make decisions on her behalf, which is painful and stressful, we are having to negotiate with the medical profession, ask the questions and deal with the shock - our own shock but also hers.

This week we took her to see the consultant gerontologist for the results of all the recent tests, which were to establish the cause of the dementia, and identify any possible treatment she could receive. in some cases, drug therapy can slow down the progress of this cruel condition, but it cannot be cured.

The consultant was wonderful, but was very straight with her. He told her quite openly that she has dementia, that her memory is failing and that she is worse than she believed herself to be. Of course she argued against this; wouldn't we all?

He replied that because of her problems she isn't seeing the bigger picture, but that myself and my brother are which is why we've made her go to all the appointments - and try to stop her from cancelling them!

She crumbled before our eyes. She visibly shrank and went into shock, it was one of the most horrible moments I've ever had to witness. It did seem brutal, but on reflection it has opened the door to talking about it with her, rather than us all 'pussyfooting' around and trying to protect her from the truth. The consultant explained to us that he found this by far the best way to deal with it, and that he not only had many years of dealing with this professionally, but that he also had personal experience of it as well. 

Unfortunately the tests have not revealed conclusively the cause of her dementia, but her care is now being handed over to the local mental health team.

After this, we took her out for coffee, after a shock it can be quite helpful to have some mental, emotional and physical space and of course, the opportunity to de-brief; the space to talk it through and unpack the feelings.

Sadly, my mother is of a generation that does not talk about feelings, which does make it harder. My brother and I have compared notes - we only ever recall a few times her telling us that she loved us; but then if you are trained from an early age not to acknowledge or work with your feelings, then you won;t have the language to do it. Mercifully, our generation and those that follow do have an emotional language and do openly acknowledge feelings, which is much healthier.

During our chat, I could clearly see the spirit of my beloved grandmother, mum's mum, standing behind her with her arms round mum. I shared this with mum, who could feel her own mother's presence, which was a lovely moment. She is not alone.

We reassured her as best we could, that so long as she co operates with a care package, there's no reason why she can't remain in her own home; which is what she dearly wants, but the whole situation is heartbreaking. Of course we can't and won't promise that she won't go into a home, for we do not know what the future holds, and we will have to do what is right for her at any given time. And we do have to face the fact that at some point, it may become necessary to move her into a home. In my quiet moments, I have asked the Angels and my ancestors in spirit to take her gently during her sleep one night, so that we can spare her that.

Apart from all the medics and agencies involved, I am also meeting with professionals whose job it is to support me, as her main carer. Although I tend to be a very independent person, the enormity of this
coupled with the stress and emotions involved has meant that I have chosen to gratefully accept all the help that is offered to me. I have a support worker from the Alzheimer's Society, I've been offered a £350 carer's grant for 'me time', and I shall be attending a CBT for Carer's 12 week course. 

There will be no end to this situation until mum passes into the light, and I have to be able to keep going as best I can in the meantime. And I have no doubt it will get worse as time goes on.

I have been asking for an angel to be with her each day, to watch over her, comfort her and keep her safe. Every day it's a different angel, I sense that they are 'trainee angels' or novices for the want of a better description; each day I am given the name. None of us can be with her all the time, but at least I know that she is not alone; she is watched over.

The spirit of my grandmother has been with me so much during recent months, I feel her round me and I do chat with her, ask her for help and guidance. She has told me through a medium, that I'm doing all the right things, getting all the right advice and that she is smoothing the way, and that my mother doesn't have that long left on the earth plain.

My brother has also had a premonition that she only has a further 6 - 12 months left, so we have been having the painful discussions about her end of life care and funeral arrangements. Although these are difficult and painful things to discuss, we both agreed that it was best done whilst we are clear headed rather than leaving it until we have an emergency situation to deal with. So far, we have agreed on everything; it will make it easier in the long term.

God bless you mum, may your passing be gentle, easy and may you be surrounded by our ancestors and angels and of course your earthly family when the time comes.