I came back from the last retreat feeling wonderful, and held onto those great feelings for a good week or so. I returned from the writers retreat completely fired up and have done some writing since; but not as much as I'd planned to or wanted to.
Today, life is feeling impossible. Further difficulties with my demented mother are succeeding in 'getting in the way' of so much; I'm finding it hard to access that deep and creative part of myself, which I resent.
Mum has always been a difficult woman, never one to compromise, appreciate the rights, needs or feelings of others and has always displayed a certain amount of paranoia. With the advancing dementia, for which they medics still can't establish a cause; these negative personality traits are increasing, and increasing greatly.
Today, life is feeling impossible and I really don't know what to do. Her behaviour is becoming more and more difficult, so I have emailed the support worker who's been allocated to me from the Alzheimer's society, requesting another meeting to see if she can advise myself and my brother. I don't know if she can come up with any ideas, for both my brother and myself it's feeling as though we really can't see the wood for the trees. The trouble is, her behaviour and her refusal to be reasonable is affecting her immediate neighbours. They have always been so kind to her and have always watched out for her since the sad passing of my stepfather 5.5 years ago, who took such great care of her. It's just not right, especially as they have a seriously ill four year old to care for, my brother and I feel completely stuck as to how to resolve this situation without it advancing to a point where there is ill feeling and a falling out.
We are certain that the dementia is progressing, her memory is much worse again and her thinking abilities are virtually not there at all. And as for her judgement............
She is being trialed with a drug called 'Aracept' which may slow down the progress of this serious illness, but we won't know if it's working for a few months, when she's assessed by the psychiatrist again.
Dementia is such a cruel illness, and today's overwhelming feeling is that we'll be stuck battling to manage this for years to come. But the more rational side of myself also knows that it can't and won't go on indefinitely, as it will contribute to her death. It is becoming more and clear that there is a finite time limit on how much longer she'll be able to remain in her own home, then more painful decisions will have to be made.
So for now, I will try to focus my attention on the lessons I am learning from being in this situation; for that will help to keep me sane.
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