It's been a challenging week regarding my mother who has dementia, I've detected a further deterioration recently. Her short term memory is really poor now, her judgement is going rapidly and I have concerns about her personal care. My brother and I are grieving for the person before us, who looks like our mother, but is a shadow of her former self. Even her personality has changed.

The roles have reversed - we are having to parent her and make decisions on her behalf, which is painful and stressful, we are having to negotiate with the medical profession, ask the questions and deal with the shock - our own shock but also hers.

This week we took her to see the consultant gerontologist for the results of all the recent tests, which were to establish the cause of the dementia, and identify any possible treatment she could receive. in some cases, drug therapy can slow down the progress of this cruel condition, but it cannot be cured.

The consultant was wonderful, but was very straight with her. He told her quite openly that she has dementia, that her memory is failing and that she is worse than she believed herself to be. Of course she argued against this; wouldn't we all?

He replied that because of her problems she isn't seeing the bigger picture, but that myself and my brother are which is why we've made her go to all the appointments - and try to stop her from cancelling them!

She crumbled before our eyes. She visibly shrank and went into shock, it was one of the most horrible moments I've ever had to witness. It did seem brutal, but on reflection it has opened the door to talking about it with her, rather than us all 'pussyfooting' around and trying to protect her from the truth. The consultant explained to us that he found this by far the best way to deal with it, and that he not only had many years of dealing with this professionally, but that he also had personal experience of it as well. 

Unfortunately the tests have not revealed conclusively the cause of her dementia, but her care is now being handed over to the local mental health team.

After this, we took her out for coffee, after a shock it can be quite helpful to have some mental, emotional and physical space and of course, the opportunity to de-brief; the space to talk it through and unpack the feelings.

Sadly, my mother is of a generation that does not talk about feelings, which does make it harder. My brother and I have compared notes - we only ever recall a few times her telling us that she loved us; but then if you are trained from an early age not to acknowledge or work with your feelings, then you won;t have the language to do it. Mercifully, our generation and those that follow do have an emotional language and do openly acknowledge feelings, which is much healthier.

During our chat, I could clearly see the spirit of my beloved grandmother, mum's mum, standing behind her with her arms round mum. I shared this with mum, who could feel her own mother's presence, which was a lovely moment. She is not alone.

We reassured her as best we could, that so long as she co operates with a care package, there's no reason why she can't remain in her own home; which is what she dearly wants, but the whole situation is heartbreaking. Of course we can't and won't promise that she won't go into a home, for we do not know what the future holds, and we will have to do what is right for her at any given time. And we do have to face the fact that at some point, it may become necessary to move her into a home. In my quiet moments, I have asked the Angels and my ancestors in spirit to take her gently during her sleep one night, so that we can spare her that.

Apart from all the medics and agencies involved, I am also meeting with professionals whose job it is to support me, as her main carer. Although I tend to be a very independent person, the enormity of this
coupled with the stress and emotions involved has meant that I have chosen to gratefully accept all the help that is offered to me. I have a support worker from the Alzheimer's Society, I've been offered a £350 carer's grant for 'me time', and I shall be attending a CBT for Carer's 12 week course. 

There will be no end to this situation until mum passes into the light, and I have to be able to keep going as best I can in the meantime. And I have no doubt it will get worse as time goes on.

I have been asking for an angel to be with her each day, to watch over her, comfort her and keep her safe. Every day it's a different angel, I sense that they are 'trainee angels' or novices for the want of a better description; each day I am given the name. None of us can be with her all the time, but at least I know that she is not alone; she is watched over.

The spirit of my grandmother has been with me so much during recent months, I feel her round me and I do chat with her, ask her for help and guidance. She has told me through a medium, that I'm doing all the right things, getting all the right advice and that she is smoothing the way, and that my mother doesn't have that long left on the earth plain.

My brother has also had a premonition that she only has a further 6 - 12 months left, so we have been having the painful discussions about her end of life care and funeral arrangements. Although these are difficult and painful things to discuss, we both agreed that it was best done whilst we are clear headed rather than leaving it until we have an emergency situation to deal with. So far, we have agreed on everything; it will make it easier in the long term.

God bless you mum, may your passing be gentle, easy and may you be surrounded by our ancestors and angels and of course your earthly family when the time comes.

Despite my worsening back problems, I continue to live my life as best I can. Last weekend I went to an big MBS fayre at Kempton Park race course, which was quite an experience. Interestingly enough, and a slight aside, I was booked to go to Bournemouth for a few days later in the week, as I had tickets for a concert which was postponed until later in the year. Disappointing, but we decided we'd still go to Bournemouth as the hotel was booked and paid for and we both needed a break.

During our visit to this fayre, I noticed a woman offering 'Inner Child' healing, using sound energy; I felt very drawn to her. Several times I went to try and speak with her, but she was always busy giving trial sessions to others. Eventually, we did manage to get some time with her, just before we were due to leave. Oh my goodness, we were so meant to see her! She explained how she worked, asked me what it was I needed healing with. I explained about my back problems, and although there is a physical problem going on, I also know that I carry ancient emotional wounds in my back, which contribute to the pain I experience. The soul and the mind speak through the body, and I am a firm believer in this. I felt very strongly that to have a session with her would help me to release and heal the latest 'layer' and asked where she was based. Bournemouth! She was also offering a vastly reduced cost for the first session if booked before the end of the fayre. Guess what? Yes I booked and so did Sue!

We traveled to Bournemouth Wednesday, our respective sessions were booked for Thursday morning. I went with a completely open mind, but at the same time was excited, as if my soul knew that this session was to be an important part of my healing journey. I will add at this point, I had been awake for much of the Wednesday night in lots of pain and had taken very strong pain killers. Early morning, the pain was still bad and I used a TENS machine for two hours, to no avail..

She asked me to assess my pain on a scale of 1 - 10, mine right then was 7/10 - pretty high. The session was 1.5 hours long, she intoned my name, in fact all the variations of the names I had been called throughout my life, and I experienced several aspects of my inner child at differing ages, joining with me. She went on to use sound to work on the pain - incredible! Far too long to tell you everything here, but by the end of the session, the pain was down to somewhere between 2 and 3. By the time I went to bed that night, the pain was completely gone, and I hadn't taken any painkillers that day. To summarise, it was a very profound experience, I released much of what I'd been carrying emotionally, felt much lighter and filled with joy and excitement! 

Sue also had a very profound experience, we shared our stories over lunch. of course I am not at liberty to share Sue's experiences here, needless to say we plan to book a further session next time we're in Bournemouth, which will be in the autumn. We were both clearly meant to go and have those sessions with her, the universe brought the synchronicity and we chose to respond to it; for it is always a choice. We've both made huge progress as a result; many connections and understandings have been reached, decision made and we both acknowledge the enormity of the healing that took place.

That afternoon, I felt like an excited 6 year old so decided to allow those feelings to guide me through the rest of the day! How we laughed, what fun we had and on an impulse, I went had had a tattoo of angel! I will upload the picture later, but I am very pleased with it. It is simple and is in Archangel Michael blue, who is one of my guardian angels. Now I truly have an angel on my shoulder! Tell me what you think of it.

Many, many years ago, long before Angels became 'fashionable' and I was going through a very tough time; I would call on Archangel Michael and ask him to stand behind me, wrap his wings around me. I did this whenever I felt afraid or unsafe and it felt as if he was holding me in a comforting embrace. I always felt much better for it.

I have been told by other psychics and mediums that my work will be changing again, but as yet I do not know how or when. I have to trust and wait patiently.

According to numerology, I am in my year 4, a year of building, changing, growing and eventually emerging from my hibernation. Sounds and feels like I shall be like a caterpillar emerging from the chrysalis as a stunning butterfly, or a beautiful Pheonix rising from the ashes of the past.